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Humor
Humor News and Article |
Should I Shop Online Or Offline? A Shoppers' Guide
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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 I went shopping with my wife the other day, to a British city centre nearby. My ordeal lasted ten hours. During many idle moments, I compiled this rough guide for shoppers who are unsure whether to shop online or offline in future.
I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:
* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure cheap parking places.
* Aren't too worried if their parked cars are scratched or bumped anonymously whilst they're out shopping.
* Thrive outdoors in the British climate, and are impervious to rain, hail, snow, wind, heat, frost, fog etc.
* Welcome walking from shop to shop, to find what they or their partner needs, at the best prices.
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How To Get Even With Starbucks!
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| I am not a patient man.
Nor am I overly devious.
So although I haven't personally experienced the following hijinx, I have watched a guy I know go through this ritual, several times.
Plus, I hate Starbucks coffee. It's way too "acidy" and expensive for me. It's not that I'm a cheapskate, not by a longshot -- I just struggle with paying $3 bucks a cup for bad coffee.
I'm much more of a "Dunkin' Donuts" kind of guy.
Anyway, there are 2 proven ways of "beating" Starbucks out of your daily cup of coffee.
Today I'm going to tell you one of them.
And like I said, I haven't seen this done HUNDREDS of times, but I have seen it done at least twice, and my buddy's reassured me he's pulled this stunt, at least 25 or 30 times.
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The Food Pyramid
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| Just a few calories ago, the government revised the food pyramid. You can see it at http://www.mypyramid.gov/
It has a snazzy new logo with a stick figure dashing up the Steps To a Healthier You on the side of the pyramid. It’s supposed to be in better tune with our complicated modern life, the latest Scientific Thought, and reflect a customized pyramid which better fits our lifestyle, not that there’s anything wrong with that. They have an animation, a mini-poster for the art-impaired, and, “a wealth of ideas to help you get started to a healthier diet.”
In better tune – with modern life? Then why a pyramid? Isn’t that Egypto-elitist? Doesn’t that perhaps reflect a suspect cash infusion from the travel industry? How many people will EVER run up a pyramid? And if they do, why aren’t they carrying a six pack of bottled water? “Water, the Almost Food.” Because the water lobby is weak, that’s why.
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Double Peppermint Schnapps on the Rocks
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| Many years ago when I was young, attractive and a viable commodity on the dating market, I was employed as a bartender. Believe it or not, I actually went to "school" to learn this trade. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I decided to attend a local bartending academy (translated - you pay us and we'll get you a job as a bartender). Six years, 50,000 bottles of Bud Light and several hundred Captain and cokes later I finally hung up my shaker, but not before I learned a valuable trick ot two about meeting other singles at a club. The three peices of wisdom I feel safe imparting with are as follows:
# 1 Never go alone
#2 Pretend you don't care if you meet someone or not (even though we both know what you are there for, you slut) AND...
#3 Double peppermint shnapps on the rocks
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Bad Breath Terminology
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to classify people around them who have bad breath without appearing to be out of the loop. The last thing I want you to do is blurt out that someone simply has "bad breath" as that can be an unforgiveable social faux pas in the wrong crowd. To be safe, please refer to this list describing the malady in more current terms.
When someone exhibits bad breath, it is now said that they are:
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Balloon Animals
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| More then ever before, I have seen the rise in restaurants providing table side entertainment. While you wait to be seated, or for your meal to come, you can be entertained by a skilled magician or a fancy balloon animal.
This is wonderful. It provides the restaurant with a bit more time to get everything ready, it helps pass the time for the customers and the performers usually gets a nice tip.
As you have probably guessed by now, I am a performer. I twist balloon animals and cartoon parodies. They are quite wonderful. But I can’t help but wonder why I am tipped the same for a one balloon dog as I am for a 12 balloon monster truck that takes considerable amount of time. I understand that there are some who are only skilled enough to make a balloon dog. I think that there should be a difference in what he is tipped and what I am tipped.
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Fun Ideas For The Holidays
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| The holiday season is a great time to share some smiles and laughs! And holiday humor helps you develop a well-tuned humor radar.
1. Have a humorous gift exchange at your holiday party. This works great if you have a healthy humor climate where people use humor in a positive way.
2. Just before the holidays, encourage people to bring some of their favorite ethnic holiday treats to work or one of your group meetings. Coming from a Norwegian background, I'd bring rosettes, fatigmand and lefse.
3. Decorate a tree for the holidays with a humorous flair. For example, a car dealership could decorate a tree using car parts. If you travel a lot, collect fun trinkets from your trips to brighten your tree.
4. Save the holiday cards you receive this year and "recycle" them next year. Just cross out the sender's signature, sign your name, and mail it back to the person who gave it to you. You'll start a humorous tradition. I do not recommend sharing this humorous exchange with everyone you get a card from. Be selective!
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Your Holiday To-Don't List: Key to Surviving Obsessive Giving Disorder
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| The gods don’t ask for human sacrifice anymore, do they? Then why do millions of women turn themselves into burnt offerings each winter?
It hits about mid-November: Obsessive Giving Disorder. Turning ordinary women into Nurturing Ninjas. Hopped-up on hospitality hormones, they launch into a frenzy of baking, shopping, decorating, crocheting, hosting, serving, costuming, shopping, wrapping, preserving and worshipping madly at the altar of Toxic Traditions. It becomes a Superbowl of Martyrdom when every shred of selfhood disappears into the Bermuda Triangle of Holiday Obligation.
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The Perks of Global Warming
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, ‘South Dawho?’ our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
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Land of the Rising Gas
Published : November 04, 2007 | Author : newssrc | Unrated |
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| Few people stop to think much about it when they fart. Unless it happens on a crowded elevator,then everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the fact that there are over 400 different kinds of gas in one human fart, and Japanese of course are no exception. Japanese routinely let them rip to the tune of 80 million litres of fart gas every day of the year. I haven`t even included hot air bags like Tokyo Governor Ishihara either! If all the people in the world could be synchronized via the internet to buff on cue, they would emit 4.2 billion litres of butt gas, and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo Domes. Not a pretty picture I know. Just think of the Dome`s maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my friend Doug`s expellations were particularly putrid, but no! According to research, Japanese young women expel especially smelly ones these days due to constipation. Half of the young women of Japan are afflicted. Doctors point to dieting as the culprit in this case. Dieting leads to a loss of muscle tissue in general, and loose stomach muscles in particular, which in turn leads to constipation, and farts that would make even Doug blush!
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Random Pick |
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There are many people today that are in great need of having their credit repaired. There can be many reasons why people need there credit repaired. Some people have bad credit due to medical bills. Some people just made poor spending decisions. Some people were victims of credit fraud. Some people just had no idea there was even a problem with their credit until they tried to apply for something. Whatever the reasons may be, they need help repairing their credit. This is why they need the help of credit repair services. If you are not sure what credit repair services are, then let this be your guide to credit repair services.
Credit repair services are not free. This is because many things are involved in repairing your credit. This includes monitoring of your credit reports, changing inaccuracies, removing bills that have been paid that show up on your credit, etc. It also involves being in constant contact with the credit reporting agencies: Experian, Trans Union, and Exquifax.
Credit repair is very time consuming, this is why also why credit repair services must charge a fee. The fee will vary depending on where you go for you credit repair services. Some credit repair services offer a free 30 day trial. Some offer guarantees of free credit repair or your money back. All and all, you should estimate paying a fee of $399.99 for credit repair services. This is the average fee that most charge. Some cost quite a bit more.
Another thing that credit repair services often offer is a way to help you consolidate you debt so that you can more easily repair your credit. Most people that are in need of credit repair services have a lot of debt and bills on their credit report. Debt consolidation combines all of your bills together and you make one payment to one lender instead of several payments to several lenders. This saves you money on interest rates and helps so that your debt doesn't get higher. With debt consolidation, these bills are more easily paid and thus you can repair your credit. |
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